The Apology Movement

Changing the World, One Apology At A Time

As we have seen time and time again, one person does have the power to significantly change the world. You have within your power the ability to make a tremendous impact on those around you by apologizing when you are wrong, accepting the apologies of those who are courageous enough to give them and asking for an apology when you are wronged.

Think about it. Your one selfless apology may cause a chain reaction. The person you apologized to may be so touched by your apology that it gives her the courage to apologize to someone she has wronged. This person may, in turn, realize the importance of apology and apologize to someone she has wronged. Apology after apology after apology may occur because of your one courageous act.

Now think about the impact you can have on your mate, your children, your friends and your coworkers by making apology a way of life--a practice so to speak. When we commit to putting ourselves in the other person's place instead of steadfastly defending ourselves and our fragile egos, when we regularly take responsibility for our actions, and consciously focus on making amends to those we've harmed, we not only touch others deeply but we set an example for all those around us. Your mate and your friends may become more inclined to apologize when they've hurt your feelings and the feelings of others they are close to. Your children will learn from you and pass on the lessons of apology to their children. And your practice of apologizing to coworkers and customers may just rub off on others in your workplace, making it a far more compassionate and respectful place in which to work and to patronize.

If someone apologizes to you and you are able to accept her apology, she may begin thinking of other people she has wronged and about how good it would feel to apologize to them. You may even become the catalyst for a turning point in her life. She may adapt an entirely new attitude about acknowledging her wrongs and seeking the forgiveness of others.

By accepting the apologies of others you step down from your self-imposed pedestal and admit that you are no better than anyone else, that you too have hurt others and caused distress and disappointment in the lives of others. By accepting the apologies of others you hold out your hand in loving kindness and offer the peace offerings of compassion and empathy. By accepting the apologies of others you caress them with the healing balm of forgiveness.

When you ask for an apology instead of distancing from or demonizing the wrongdoer, you may be doing that person a great favor. He or she may be unaware of the fact that his or her action hurt or harmed you in any way. We can all be oblivious to how our behavior affects others and most of us are grateful (as well as temporarily embarrassed) when we learn more about ourselves in this regard. By pointing out someone's inappropriate or hurtful behavior you may cause that person to reassess his or her behavior toward others and may even be instrumental in that person actually changing his or her behavior in the future.

By forgiving the person who wronged you you give him or her the greatest gift of all--another chance, another opportunity to do better--for some, even a new life. By forgiving another person you essentially say, "I know you have good intentions and I trust you to do better next time. I care about you and want you to do better. And I will do all I can to encourage you to do better by letting bygones be bygones.

What You Can Do To Help the Movement

The Power of Apology is not only a book to me but a cause. My deepest desire is that many of you will make large and small apologies an integral part of your daily life. By apologizing for your oversights, mistakes and transgressions you will give others the respect they deserve, reinforce your resolve to treat others with more kindness, and will continue to increase your level of empathy and compassion. My hope is that those of you who have read The Power of Apology will pick up on the various strategies and programs offered in the book and implement them into your daily lives. For those of you who haven’t read the book, the following list of suggestions includes some of the strategies  discussed in the book, as well as some new ideas. As you read them over, think about which ones you can implement into your life.

1. Apology Circles -- Apology Circles can be made up of family members, business associates, school children, or any other group of people who need a way to resolve issues, air differences and promote trust and respect among its members. Apology circles offer each family or group member the opportunity to say what he or she needs to say and to be heard by other members without being interrupted. Cross-talk, criticism, blaming and judgment are forbidden. Instead the focus is on each member getting a chance to talk about how an incident has affected them, each member gaining empathy for the pain and struggles of other members, and on healing the damage caused by the pain-inflicting incident.  For further information concerning circles, read my book, Women Circling the Earth: A Guide to Fostering Community, Healing and Empowerment.  For more information on Apology Circles or to inquire about circle training, contact me at: beverly@beverlyengel.com
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2. The Apology Connection -- This service is for those who are unable to locate the people to whom they wish to apologize.  You can post your desire to apologize on-line along with your e-mail address.  Then if the person sees your listing, he or she can choose to contact you if they want to receive your apology. To go to The Apology Connection, click here!
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3. Share your story. If your life has been touched by apology (either an apology you received or one you gave) email me at: beverly@beverlyengel.com and share it with me. I’ll put it on the web site if I think other people could benefit from it.
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4. Apology mediation. Consider apology mediation whenever you have a major conflict.  For more information contact me at: beverly@beverlyengel.com
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5. Apology strategies can be introduced and applied to various aspects of the business environment, improving employee relations and offering an alternative to employee conflict resolution. (See The Power of Apology for more information or contact me at beverly@beverlyengel.com for information on Apology Seminars.)
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6. Teach your children the importance of apology. By teaching children how to make meaningful apologies you will give them a head start in life and you’ll also teach them humility and the importance of taking responsibility for their actions. Children who understand the importance of apology tend to be more respectful, compassionate and patient toward others than those who do not.
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7. By supporting and becoming involved in such movements as Restorative Justice you can make a significant impact on not only our criminal justice system but in the way we all deal with shame. Restorative Justice takes the focus off of punishment and instead emphasizes repairing the harm by addressing the emotional and material needs of victims. This includes a strategy called Conferencing in which the offender and victim meet face-to-face, along with their supporters, to discuss the crime and set up a plan for restitution.  For more information contact Real Justice at www.realjustice.org.

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